Good Morning Afewtoomanians, I have a special for you today! After hours upon hours of research and performing long mind numbing algorithms and calculations of the female brain (Mainly drinking beer), I have come up with a complete list which compares the type of car you own, and the type of girl you can pick up in one. Don’t believe me? Read more..

Car Type: Sedan

Cars that fall under it:

Acura TL, BMW 5-Series, Mercedes E-Class

Girls it Attracts:

Librarians, Nurses, Older Milfs. A sedan is a passenger car with 2 rows of seats. And PLENTLY of room in the back, and the reason you’ll attract kinky librarians and nurses is just because of that. Be prepared to get your back seat a little hot and sweaty everytime you check out a book from the library, as the librarian checks out you and your ride.

Car Type: Mini Van

Cars that fall under it:

Dodge Grand Caravan, Honda Odyssey

Girls it Attracts:

Fat Soccer Moms. With thousands of screaming kids. Is that enough said? Guys, don’t even think of purchasing a mini van EVER! It’s just not cool. The only guys that should get a van are nice, generous ones that hand out candy at parks for the nice little children.

Car Type: Fake Convertable

Cars that fall under it:

Miata, S2000

Girls it Attracts:

None! Because its the girls themselves that drive them. Plain and simple, I mean, what guy would even want to be caught dead in a car that girls call “cute”? It’s just plain wrong. I do have a male friend with an S2000(Or is it a Miata? I can’t fuckin tell..) though. He picked up a girl once, her name was Sheila Neva Fukyu. Hmm.. I wonder how that turned out.

Car Type: Real Convertable

Cars that fall under it:

Dodge Viper, Chevrolet Corvette Z06, Classic Mustang

Girls it Attracts:

Ahh.. the MAN car! Guys, If you find yourself lucky enough to be cruising around town in one of these simply point to a girl you find attractive walking down the street and she’ll hop right in as long as your don’t look like this guy:

Car Type: Horse and Buggy

Cars that fall under it:

Ummm… Seabiscuit and a wooden box with wheels

Girls it Attracts:

Amish Chicks. They may not be the hottest girls around. But they can surely “churn your butter” if you know what I mean

Car Type: Large pickup

Cars that fall under it:

Dodge Ram, Ford F150

Girls it Attracts:

Hick Chicks and Trailor trash. I mean they don’t have a job or anything so how are they supposed to pull their trailor around. Thats where your pickup comes in. Now I mean its still cool to have a pickup, because of all the “man” duties that require it like hauling boulders, rocks, gravel, dynamite, beer, you know all the regular things a man needs to do. But NEVER go out looking for girls in said pickup truck, especially not down south. Or else you may get drunk and go home with one of these:

Car Type: Old beaters

Cars that fall under it:

91 Honda Civic, 95 Pontiac Sunfire, ANY Toyota Corolla

Girls it Attracts:

Fat gothic girls and girls employed at McDonalds. Ewww… Ah gross.. PLEASE GET A NEW GOD DAM CAR!

Car Type: Japanese Imports

Cars that fall under it:

Toyota Supra, Nissan Skyline, Mitsubishi EVO, Subaru STi

Girls it Attracts:

Asians, and Car Models girls. It seems that these cars have a special feature in them, its a new technology that has been developed in Japan and installed into these cars before they were shipped to the US. This technology is called the Pussy Magnet. Check out the Pics below for proof.

Note from Steve: It should be stated that the above information is incorrect. NO import will get you a girl. In fact most women hate the cars that men like. They just don’t understand or care that you can take a corner at 80mph. And my S2000 is considered both an Import and a convertible. Asshat! So when your GF tells you to trade in your STI for a Jetta or Camry Scott, do what I do and tell her to shut the fuck up!

Car Type: High End Luxury Cars

Cars that fall under it:

Bentlys, Cadillacs, Mercedes, Beemers

Girls it Attracts:

Hot Models and Golddiggers(Wait, is there a difference?) These girls can see you have loads of cash at your disposal and want you to shower them in gifts instead of spending it on another car.

Now guys, you must weigh out the pros and cons of each:

Pro – Shes hot
Con – She wants your money
Pro – No really, shes bangin’
Con – She doesnt have as many cupholders as your bently
Pro – She promises to love you forever as long as you don’t sign a prenup
Con – She demands jewelry every 3 days

Hmm seems pretty even to me.. Up to you fellas.

Car Type: Italian Sports Car

Cars that fall under it:

Ferrari’s, Lamborghinis, Maseratis

Girls it Attracts:

Pretty much anything with 2 legs. Its seems pretty hard to get turned down when your car screams sexy and money. Its a combination that I don’t think a female brain could turn down. I even think if you play your cards right, you could have an entire Lingerie Bowl Team knocking at your door.

“Yes.. This could get very interesting… ”

Conclusion

Hopefully this article will clear up some wandering minds on which type of car you will buy. Hopefully this will also convince some of you to get out of your old P.O.S. beater or minivan and buy a real god dam car. Anyways, new comic for you tomorrow. Check it out!

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